Shela Dean Blog

December 30 Everyday Foreplay: Love Freely

Posted on December 30, 2011 by shela

For Scientologists, today is special. It’s Freedom Day, the day on which in 1974 the Church of Scientology was recognized in the United States. I’m not a Scientologist but I love the idea of freedom—one reason why I’m so happy that I live in a democracy. I’m kind of a renegade—or at least a wannabe renegade—and not so keen on the idea of conformity. For example, if I have to set my alarm, I never set it on the hour. If I want to get up at 7, I set the alarm for 7:03 or 6:58. I know. That’s kind of weird. But it’s my little nod to nonconformity. Isn’t it great that I have the freedom to be a little weird? I certainly think so. So, whether you’re a Scientologist or not, let’s all celebrate Freedom Day.

Today’s Everyday Foreplay tips and my thoughts on how to improve intimacy in your marriage are:

If you can find them, have the flowers Birds of Paradise delivered to your sweetheart. They are the flower of freedom.
If you can’t find the exotic and beautiful Birds of Paradise, give your sweetheart pansies. They are the symbol of freedom of thought.
Give your sweetie some interesting reading, Freedom: Stories Celebrating the Universal Declaration of Human Rights.
Give your sweetheart freedom from all chores by doing them yourself.

Someone once said to me, “Marriage is like a screen door. All the flies on the outside want in. All the flies on the inside want out.” No doubt you’ve also heard this one: “Marriage is an institution and who wants to be in an institution?” They (whoever they are) say that in every jest, there’s a kernel of truth. I guess to some people marriage is restrictive, impinges on freedom, and is confining. I just don’t see it that way. There is nothing I want to do that I’m not free to do. It’s a matter of choice. I want to keep my marriage and to keep it happy. Therefore, I choose not to do the things that jeopardize that. Could I see other men? Of course I can. IF I’m willing to pay the price. I’m not. What’s more, I LOVE my husband. I don’t want to see other men. Sure, I joke about jumping George Clooney’s bones but on the one-to-ten reality scale, the likelihood of ever having that chance is about .000001 and, truth be told, I’d rather be with Dale than even George Clooney. As divorce statistics prove, marriage is a choice. Whatever I “gave up” to be with Dale pales in significance to what I gained. I hope you can and do say the same thing about your marriage.

Wishing you a life of loving freely.

December 29 Everyday Foreplay: Do it Without Regret

Posted on December 29, 2011 by shela

What resolutions did you make for 2011? What did you hope to accomplish, change, get done, or do? Well, whatever was on your list, you’ve only got two more days to get it all done. Today is Tick Tock Day. Hmmmm . . . let’s see, what was on my list? Exercise more. Nope, didn’t do that one. Lose weight, nope didn’t do that one either. Write a new book. Check! Well, sort of check since I’m still waiting on my editor. Post to this blog daily. Check! Well, check assuming I write two more after this one. The problem with resolutions is that 92% of them aren’t kept. We set ourselves up for failure and regret. So my resolution for 2012 is to not make any resolutions!

Your Everyday Foreplay tips and advice on how to have a more intimate relationship and marriage are:

Resolve to remember (and celebrate) every important date—your sweetheart’s birthday, the anniversary of your first date, your wedding anniversary, and any other date that’s important to you, your sweetheart, and/or your relationship. Keep your resolution by subscribing to a reminder service, entering the dates in your smart phone, or use whatever method will keep you on top of important dates. Give yourself plenty of advance warning so you’ll have time to get the perfect gift or plan the perfect celebration.
Drag out your honey-do list and review the not-yet-done items. Get as many of those done as you can.
Ask your sweetheart what area of your relationship he or she thinks needs improvement. Resolve together to work on that area in the upcoming year. Then, keep the resolution!

The late Steve Jobs said in his 2005 address to Stanford graduates, “Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure – these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important.” Time. None of us knows how much of it we have left. As I face my 64th birthday next July, I am acutely aware of how quickly that time has flown and how quickly what time I have left will also fly. When I hear myself saying things like, “I wish this day would end,” I remind myself never to wish time away. A far better alternative is to make the most of the time given to us. I’m often asked the one piece of advice I would give all couples. I usually say: consider every moment one that either makes or breaks your relationship. To that, I would add this: consider every moment the last one you’ll ever have. Live it without regret.

Wishing you the time to make all your wishes come true.

December 28 Everyday Foreplay: Renew Your Vows

Posted on December 28, 2011 by shela

It was on this date in 1945 that the U.S. Congress officially recognized the Pledge of Allegiance to the United States’ flag and urged that the pledge be given daily by school children. Today is Pledge of Allegiance Day. My grandchildren learned the
Pledge in preschool and could recite it long before they really understood the words. I doubt that they yet understand what the pledge means but they will when they’re a little older. I think we should all be patriotic but not nationalistic. We should respect and appreciate other countries and other cultures, the same as we hope to have our country and culture respected.

So, inspired by the red, white and blue of the U.S. flag, today’s Everyday Foreplay tips and relationship advice are:

Bake your sweetheart a blueberry pie.
Give your lovebug a red scarf with a note that says, “The day I met you was my number 1 red letter day.”
Surprise your honey with white helium balloons and a note that says, “You take me to the highest heights of happiness.”

Regardless of the wedding vows you articulated when you got married, the intent was that you pledged your allegiance to each other. You promised to be faithful not only in body but in spirit. You promised to be loyal. You promised to stand by each other’s side and to defend each other against all attacks. As you look back, are you satisfied that you’ve kept your pledge? We Americans say our Pledge of Allegiance often as a reminder of what we stand for. If your wedding was the last time you articulated the promises and pledges you made to your sweetheart, consider renewing them. Go to a quiet and beautiful place—preferably one that means something to you as a couple—just the two of you, and renew your vows as a reminder of what you promised then and promise now to each other. Live every day in fulfillment of those promises.

Wishing you the marriage you envisioned on the day you said, “I do.”

December 27 Everyday Foreplay: Get Nutty

Posted on December 27, 2011 by shela

It’s National Fruitcake Day. I don’t even know what to say about this. I guess some people actually eat the stuff. It’s ubiquitous on retailer shelves this time of year so I suppose people also give it to other people—maybe people they don’t like but are obligated to give a gift to. Can you tell how I feel about fruitcake? I mean, really, if you’re going to consume calories why would you waste them on something with candied citron in it? Yuck. What? You like fruitcake? Okay, then, I’ll shut up about it and get on with it.

Today’s Everyday Foreplay tips and advice on how to have a completely wonderful marriage are:

Do NOT give your sweetheart fruitcake. Kidding.
If your honey is one of those people who likes fruitcake, bake a nice fresh one for him or her.
Give your sweetheart the gift of health with a fruit-of-the-month membership.
Give your honey a perfect red apple with a note that says, “You’re the apple of my eye.”
Give your sweetheart a bag of walnuts with a note that says, “I’m nuts over you!”

Have you ever heard the phrase, “Nutty as a fruitcake?” It’s commonly used to describe an eccentric aunt. I like getting a little nutty, especially with Dale. He has a great sense of humor and has a quick wit. Sometimes, we’ll spin a yarn about a couple sitting across the restaurant from us—that she’s with the CIA and he’s a secret informant or mole. We’ll speculate on the sexual fantasies of people we know—who loves the prisoner-of-war game, or likes to dress up like Little Bo Peep. It’s all in fun and never malicious. We’ve written poems together, each taking a turn adding a line. It can get pretty silly but that’s the fun of it. Couples that play together, stay together. Get nutty. Get Crazy. Get silly. Have fun together. It’s soooooooooo good for you and for your relationship.

Wishing you a day of nutty, crazy fun.

December 26 Everyday Foreplay: Say Thank-You

Posted on December 26, 2011 by shela

This is a great day to follow Christmas. It’s National Thank-You Note Day. The art of the personal note is something of a lost art. What with texting and email, it’s so easy to just dash off a quick thanks and let it go. Most friends don’t give that a second thought. After all, that’s what they do, too. But doesn’t it make you feel good when you get a for-real on-nice-stationary note? My good friend Noelle (yes, she was born on Christmas day), writes the best note of anybody I know. She always adds a note to birthday and Christmas cards and can thank you with more style than anybody. What a nice talent for her (or anyone) to have. I must admit to falling far short of the standard she sets.

Today’s Everyday Foreplay tip (just one today) and my thoughts are:

Make a list of everything your sweetheart does to make your relationship wonderful, to run your household, to raise your kids, etc. Make it as detailed as possible. Make a copy to keep. Include the original list in a thank-you note to your partner. Review the copy often to remind yourself of the many ways in which your sweetie contributes to your joint lives.

Everybody wants to be appreciated, not only for the big and the bold, but in little ways. When, for example, was the last time you thanked your partner for walking the dog, or making dental appointments for your kids, or writing the checks to pay the bills, or mowing the lawn? We tend to take for granted those things that just get done without our ever having to think about them. When the value of those things fades into the background, it’s easy to spotlight what our partner does wrong—like throw his socks on the floor in front of the hamper—or doesn’t do at all—like pick up after herself. Our brains are hardwired to focus on the negative. That’s why it’s so important to consciously focus on the positive. You can do it. It simply takes retraining your brain. That’s not as hard to do as it may sound. Start by making your list of all your partner does and refer to it every time you have a negative thought. Heck, why not review it at the beginning of every day to help you keep the positive and generous state of mind that makes it possible to have a truly close and intimate relationship.

Wishing you a day of giving and getting appreciation.

December 25 Everyday Foreplay: Turn the Other Cheek

Posted on December 25, 2011 by shela

I usually try to avoid the obvious as my inspiration and go for something different. But, come on, I have to be inspired by Christmas because, for my grandkids, this is the biggest day of the year, bigger even than birthdays. They still believe in Santa. Yes, this holiday is based on the Christian belief that Christ was born this day and many lament that the day has become a retailer’s dream. For all of us, whatever our beliefs, it’s a day to spend with family, share gifts—both the tangible and intangible—and enjoy good times with friends.

Your Everyday Foreplay tips and my relationship thoughts are:

Be Santa to your sweetheart everyday. On some days, give a small gift. On other days, give the gift of time. Always give the gifts of thoughtfulness, kindness and respect. Everyday. Without fail.
If you exchange gifts, set one aside for your partner to be opened later, when you’re alone, and the hubbub of the day has quieted down.
This evening, take a calming drive through the neighborhood and take in the home decorations. In Richmond, we actually have something called the Tacky Tour. You can drive the tour or hire a limo to see houses that strive to have the most lights and decorations in the front yard. It’s a kick.

One of things we learn from Christianity is to turn the other cheek. That’s a good principle to live by in all your relationships, but especially in your marriage. Human beings are fallible. We screw up. We speak before we think. We give way to knee-jerk reactions. We snap at the people we love. We get tired. Our blood sugar drops. We have a headache. Some jerk cut us off. Blah blah blah. There are a zillion ways to let life get us down to the point where we behave in ways we later regret. When you’re on the wrong end of that, remember that you just drew the short straw—this time—and turn the other cheek, knowing that next time it’s your partner who’ll take the brunt of your less-than-perfect behavior. People so often engage in righteous indignation as if they were perfect and never blew it. What nonsense. Give each other a break. Turn the other cheek. When you do, what you’re most likely to get is a kiss on that cheek.

Wishing you and yours a very Merry Christmas.

December 24 Everyday Foreplay: Love Your Kids

Posted on December 24, 2011 by shela

Today is the most important day of my life. It was 41 years ago today that I gave birth to my only child, my daughter Lisa. I’m proclaiming today International Give Thanks for Your Kids Day. I am blessed. My daughter has not only grown into someone I admire and respect, she is my best friend and one of my most trusted advisors. When I have a tough decision to make, I seek her wisdom and insight and she never fails to give sage advice. Lisa is the best mom on the planet. My two granddaughters Addison and Kennedy are amazing people, even at their tender ages, because their mother is the most loving and creative teacher possible. I love my daughter Lisa and I give thanks for her, not just today, but every day.

Your Everyday Foreplay tip and relationship advice are:

If you have children, send a thank-you note to their other parent for helping create these amazing people you call “my kids.”
Send a thank-you note to your mother-in-law for giving birth to her kid, your partner.
Spend the day with your children. This may sound counterintuitive, but when a couple plays with their children, oxytocin (or the “cuddle hormone”) is released, reinforcing their bond as mates and setting the mood for further intimacy down the line when the kids have gone to sleep!

I was chronologically young, emotionally even younger, when I had my daughter. In many ways, we grew up together. As I look back, there are things I wish I had done differently in raising her, things I regret. And yet, despite my youth, immaturity, and non-existent parenting skills, I somehow managed to raise an amazing child. I think it’s because of the two promises I made to her when, for the very first time, I held her in my arms. I promised that I would be the best mom I could be. And then I promised that I would teach her to be kind and forgiving, knowing that I would need those things the most. Why? Because, regardless of the first promise, I knew I would mess up. My baby girl was my inspiration to grow up and be the best person I could be. I am as happily married as I am because of that. Whether you have a child or not, envision the adult child you’d like to raise. Is she happy, well-balanced, successful (as she—not you—defines success), and living to her fullest potential? Children learn by example. Be your vision of the child you’d like to raise. Doing so will not only help you become a better parent, it will help you become the partner to your sweetheart that you want to be.

Happy birthday, Lisa. I love you beyond measure.

Wishing you joy and happiness today and every day.

December 23 Everyday Foreplay: Get In the Spirit

Posted on December 23, 2011 by shela

December is Spiritual Literacy Month, a time devoted to learning more about how others view spirituality. Frederic and Mary Ann Brussat wrote a bestselling book you might want to read. It’s called Spiritual Literacy: Reading the Sacred in Everyday Life. It is a collection of extracts from teachers of most, if not all, different spiritual traditions. As if I were at a dinner party with lots of people I don’t know, there are certain topics I stay away from here in this blog: politics and religion are two of them. But spirituality, however you may define that term, is a part of us. Or, so I believe. I also believe that it’s important to respect the spiritual beliefs of others. Understanding the basis of various spiritual beliefs is a start in the right direction. I believe that, when it comes to spirituality, we citizens of the world are more alike than different. How about you, what do you think?

Your Everyday Foreplay tips and my thoughts on how to have the intimate relationship of your dreams are:

Find an inspirational passage and share it with your sweetheart. You might find the perfect one in The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran, the Bible, the Koran, or perhaps Morning Notes by Hugh Prather.
If you find a passage particularly inspirational, have it written in calligraphy and framed as a gift for your partner.
Give your sweetheart a ghost tee-shirt with a note that says, “There’s not a ghost of a chance that I’ll ever stop loving you.”
Study meditation or yoga together.

To some, being spiritual means being religious. To others, spirituality has more to do with a universal energy than with a defined version of God. As individuals, we each have our beliefs and our own unique spirituality. As spouses, it’s important to remember that we are individuals, not clones of each other. Each person’s belief system is complex and individualized. Even if you subscribe to the same religious discipline, you are likely to have slightly differing beliefs when it comes to the nuances or finer details of that discipline. Sharing your beliefs, gaining an understanding of your partner’s approach to spirituality, can be an amazingly intimate experience. When you plumb the depths of your innermost being and share with each other, it is one of the most satisfying and rewarding experiences you can have as a couple. A spiritual understanding, a spiritual connection, bonds you in a way that nothing else can. When was the last time you and your sweetie had a talk about spirituality? If it’s been a while (or never), this a great season to do just that.

Wishing you the most intimate of connections.

December 22 Everyday Foreplay: Give a Gift

Posted on December 22, 2011 by shela

Show of hands. How many of you have ever re-gifted? Who hasn’t had someone give you something that made you wonder if they know you at all, something you’d never get for yourself, but is nice enough to give to someone else. Whether you’ve ever re-gifted or not, today is the day to do just that. It is National Re-Gifting Day. Check out this site and this one. They’re all about re-gifting. I mean, really, why not? If you have something you don’t want and someone else may like, why let that something just sit and collect dust? It saves you money and shopping time to re-gift. Now, what did I do with that gold-gilded swan-shaped perfume bottle?

Today’s Everyday Foreplay tips and thoughts on how to have a totally intimate relationship are:

Take a load to Goodwill and then take your sweetie out to dinner to a quiet restaurant where you can linger over after-dinner drinks.
Send your sweetheart a link to Your Love is Lifting Me Higher with a note that says something like, “The love you give me day after day lifts me higher than I ever thought possible.” Add your own touch.
Tell your sweetheart you’d like to give him or her the gift of more time, then ask what you can do today to make your honey’s day a little easier and less stressful.

When it comes to your marriage, re-gifting what you appreciate is exactly what you should do. When your sweetheart does something kind for you, re-gift that kindness right back. Remember, what goes around comes around tenfold. When you show your love by being respectful, kind, thoughtful, and generous, your sweetheart is inspired to do the same. It’s an uphill spiral that can only make your relationship better and better. There are, however, some things that shouldn’t be re-gifted. You should NEVER re-gift the negative. If your partner snaps at you, treats you disrespectfully, etc., do not respond in kind. That creates a downhill spiral that will destroy your relationship. Always treat your partner in the way you wish to be treated, no matter what. If you do, it’s far more likely that your partner will respond in kind, treat you as you wish to be treated, and your relationship will be loving and the envy of everyone who knows you.

Wishing that all your gifts are keepers.

December 21 Everyday Foreplay: Don’t Be Clueless

Posted on December 21, 2011 by shela

I’m not a big fan of public proposals of marriage. I was watching the Today Show one morning when a guy proposed to his girlfriend on camera. She said, “No, I’m sorry. I can’t say yes.” Holy moly. Wouldn’t you think she’d at least be kind enough to say yes on camera and then take it back later so he wouldn’t be completely humiliated in front of millions of people? Wow. However, one of the most creative proposals I’ve heard about is this one. She always did the NY Time crossword puzzle on Sunday. He arranged to have his marriage proposal imbedded in the answers. It was sort of public, but it was just the two of them when, as she worked the puzzle, she realized what he had done. Now, that’s pretty darned cool. Today is Crossword Puzzle Day. My favorite Sunday crossword is by Merl Reagle. What’s yours?

Today’s Everyday Foreplay tips and my thoughts on how to have a cozy, intimate relationship are:

Create your own custom crossword puzzle with your love message. I just tried this and it’s fun.
Have a favorite photo of you and your sweetheart made into a jigsaw puzzle to work together. This is an activity, like walking or cooking, that makes it easy to chat or even have a heavier talk.
Want a real challenge? Try doing this Escher jigsaw puzzle. On second thought, never mind. Take your sweetheart out to dinner instead!

Have you ever tried to make a point and it felt like you were talking in clues that your partner just didn’t get? Have you ever been absolutely certain that your message was understood only to discover that your sweetheart didn’t get it at all? Communication. Sometimes it works. And sometimes it doesn’t! Misunderstandings occur with relentless regularity even between partners who’ve been together forever. One of the success principles espoused by Jack Canfield is, “Tell the truth sooner.” What that means in this context is that when you have hurt feelings, you need to speak up so your partner has the ability to set the record straight. If you simply assume that your partner meant what he or she said in the hurtful way that you took it, there’s a darned good chance you’re wrong. Most of the time, if you say, “Hey, that hurt my feelings!” your partner’s response will be, “That’s not what I meant. What I meant is [fill in the blank.]” You do both of you (and your relationship) a giant favor when you tell the truth sooner and give clarity a chance!

Wishing you a day of no crosswords!